In his book Influence: the Psychology of Persuasion, American psychology and marketing professor Robert Beno Cialdini lists likability as one of the 6 key principles of influence.
And a way to get people to like you, Cialdini argues, is to “rapidly seek out commonalities” with that person. Moreover, the connection doesn’t have to be unique or meaningful – a shared interest in sports or a similar vacation location are both sufficient to help make someone like you.
Small talk allows people to find commonalities quickly, and thus to have influence over each other right from the beginning.
In Old English, thou/thee were used to address a single person, while ye/you were used to address more than one person. However, as English developed, the terms ye and you were used to politely address a single person – first the king, then other high born nobility and the clergy, and eventually anyone at or above a person’s social status.
By the end of the 16th century, the word ye had virtually disappeared from daily speech, and the term you was quickly replacing the term thou.
As Early Modern English began, the word thou became associated with emotions, rather than number or hierarchy, and most people would only use thou if they were angry or in love. Ironically, these days people very rarely use the informal thou to indicate formality or to sound more archaic: “Thou shallt not lie.”
On June 22, 2015 Juli Hirschfeld Davis authored an article in the New York Times under the title “Obama Lowers His Guard in Unusual Displays of Emotion.”
“His eyes well up without warning in private, thinking about his teenage daughters growing up. He choked back tears in public recently while delivering the eulogy for Beau Biden, the son of Vice President Joseph R. Biden Jr., who died at 46.”
“My takeaway was, ‘Wow — where’s this guy been?’” said Kent Conrad, a former Democratic senator from North Dakota. “I turned to my wife and said, ‘My God, if he’d shown those kinds of feelings, and that kind of connection to others, I think he would have had a different experience as president,’ ” Mr. Conrad said. “If he could let himself show that, he would do much better with the American people, and much better with Congress.”
Days earlier, Mr. Obama had begun a health care speech with an uncommonly intimate greeting for Sister Carol Keehan, the chief executive of the Catholic Health Association of the United States and a political ally.
But even Mr. Obama has admitted that he has been blindsided recently by fits of sadness, many of them prompted by the thought of his daughters growing up. “I start tearing up in the middle of the day and I can’t explain it,” Mr. Obama told attendees at an Easter prayer breakfast in April. “Why am I so sad? They’re leaving me.”
He wiped away tears in February as he bade farewell to Eric H. Holder Jr., a confidant who served for six years as his attorney general. People close to the president say he is often unfairly tagged as apathetic simply because he does not carry on publicly about his feelings.
“This is, in many ways, a private man — he is not somebody who wears his emotions on his sleeve,” Mr. Connolly said of Mr. Obama. “That doesn’t mean he doesn’t have emotions.”
Germans don’t wear their emotions on their sleeves, either.
One way that Americans move quickly from small to big talk is holding events centered around a common theme. These themes can be anything from the Information in Engineering Conference to MerCon (a mermaid-themed conference). At these conferences, it’s customary for people to only use a little small talk, then quickly segue into big talk based on the conference theme.
One of the best known examples of one of these events is Comic Con.
The first Comic Con was held in San Diego in 1970, when a group of comic and science fiction fans decided to showcase some of their favorite comic books and other forms of popular art.
The one day event was such a large success, attracting about 100 people, that its founders decided to throw a three day convention later that year (which attracted over 300 people).
Over the decades, Comic Cons have become so popular that they can be found all over the world, and some of the bigger events can have more than 200,000 people in attendance.
Americans and Germans have different definitions of patriotism. Germans are still skeptical and critical about their Germanness. Many refer to themselves more as Europeans than as Germans.
Americans are also critical of their country, of their government, and are quite aware of their problems. But it is one thing when Americans debate among themselves (within the family, so to speak) and quite another thing when an outsider does it. Americans have a personal relationship with their country. Criticism of America is criticism of Americans.
Even though it cannot be said that German people are not proud to be German, overt displays of patriotism are mostly limited to soccer events. In fact, it was until recently that overt displays of national patriotism were still frowned upon in the aftermath of World War II. Bringing a German flag to any rally in Germany is also still equated by many with nationalism.
As the Federal Republic’s third president, Gustav Heinemann so aptly put it in the 1970s: “I do not love any nation. I love my wife.” While American salute their flag at the beginning of every sporting event within the country, Germans do so only to distinguish themselves from opponents of another nationality.
Observations of a young German woman in Cincinnati, Ohio in the U.S.
This comment gets it right: “My experience with small talk is that it starts light and superficial, but the longer it goes on, the more personal it gets. It’s as if both are sending out feelers to find out how deep (or long) the conversation is going to be and to make sure both can end it (or back off) at any time without things getting awkward.
The answer to ‘how are you’ (‘hey, what’s up?’ actually) is always expected to be short, but can be open ended to lead the other person to probe deeper if they wish, such as, ‘okay I guess, I got some stuff going on.’ The other person can back off and say, ‘yeah, I hear ya’ and change the subject if they don’t want to go deeper, or respond with, ‘really? what’s going on?’ if they want you to open up more. Like a verbal tennis match where each hit gets harder to see how intense the game will be. I’m not sure I phrased it right, but I think you catch my meaning.”
Violence contributes to the American tendency to avoid controversial subjects. The U.S. has some of the highest crime rates in the world, including approximately 83% more total crimes than Germany. For example, the murder rate in the U.S. is more than five times higher than in Germany.
Avoiding controversial topics allows Americans to find a safer way to communicate with people they don’t know. It allows strangers to get to know each other in a non-threatening environment. If you’re too straightforward and offend the wrong people in the U.S., it’s much more likely to end badly for you.
Bleeding Kansas was the term given to Kansas during the American Civil War in the mid-1800s. Kansas was a territory at the beginning of the war, and so unlike most of the states, which were divided into free-state (Union) and slave-state (Confederacy), Kansas contained people who strongly supported one side or the other.
This led to an outbreak of neighbor-against-neighbor violence, including several massacres such as the Pottawatomie Creek massacre (in which five slave-state supporters were murdered) and the Marais des Cygnes massacre (in which five free-state supporters were murdered). Kansans who wanted to remain safe had to find ways to avoid discussing their allegiances.
George Tiller was an abortion doctor in Wichita. In 1986 Tiller’s clinic was firebombed. During its rebuilding Tiller displayed a controversial sign: “Hell no, we won’t go.” In 1993 he was shot several times while in his car, but survivved. In 2009 he was killed in during church services by anti-abortion activist Scott Roeder.
The creators of South Park, a satirical cartoon, have faced many death threats from people offended by their controversial material. One of the more prominent threat campaigns occurred in 2010 after the show featured a character meant to represent the prophet Mohammad wearing a bear suit. This campaign was largely led by Jesse Morton, who was arrested and pleaded guilty to making threatening communications and conspiring to commit murder.
In 1979 in Greensboro, North Carolina an anti-racist march was confronted by members of the Klu Klux Klan. Things soon turned violent, and the white supremacists, who were armed, shot and killed several marchers.
„I am not afraid that the book will be controversial, I’m afraid it will not be controversial.“ Flannery O’Connor, American author
„If an individual wants to be a leader and isn’t controversial, that means he never stood for anything.“ Richard Nixon, former U.S. President
„Dollywood is a family park, and all families are welcome. We do have a policy about profanity or controversial messages on clothing or signs. It is to protect the individual wearing or carrying them, as well as to keep down fights or problems by those opposed to it at the park.“ Dolly Parton, Entertainer
„Just because you say something doesn’t make it controversial, and it doesn’t make you a bad person.“ Charles Barkley, former NBA basketball player
„You can’t have a university without having free speech, even though at times it makes us terribly uncomfortable. If students are not going to hear controversial ideas on college campuses, they’re not going to hear them in America. I believe it’s part of their education.“ Donna Shalala, Secretary of of Health and Human Services under President Bill Clinton.
„Controversial proposals, once accepted, soon become hallowed.“ Dean Acheson, Secretary of State under President Harry Truman.
„That’s the heart of it: My shows were not that controversial with the American people. They were controversial with the people who think for the American people.“ Norman Lear, Author and producer of the American television series All in the Family.
„One of the lessons from Sept. 11 is that America requires a long-term presence in those parts of the world that endanger us. This notion has become controversial, but frankly, the need could not be clearer.“ Rudy Giuliani, former mayor of New York City.
Probe. To probe is to physically explore or examine something with the hands or an instrument. To probe is also to seek to uncover information about someone or something. The word originates from late Latin as proba, or proof, or in medieval Latin as examination. It is derived from Latin probare, meaning “to test“.
Circumnavigate. When one circumnavigates, one sails all the way around something, especially the world. To go around or across (something).
Euphemism. A euphemism is a mild or indirect word or expression substituted for one considered to be too harsh or blunt when referring to something unpleasant or embarrassing: ‘pre-owned car’ instead of a used car; ‘sex worker’ instead of a prostitute; to be ‘between jobs’ instead of to be unemployed; ‘senior citizen’ instead of old person; ‘underserved neighborhood’ instead of impoverished neighborhood.
According to a report by the Census Bureau, the United States is expected to be a majority-minority nation by 2043. Within the next 50 years, nearly one in three U.S. residents would be Hispanic. Within the same time span, the Asian-American population will double from 15.9 million people to 34.4 million, and the African-American population is projected to increase by 20 million people.
From 2024 to 2060, the non-Hispanic white population will fall by nearly 20 million people, and will make up 43 percent of the nation’s total population by 2060. In 2011, the population of the United States was comprised of the following: White persons not Hispanic (63.4 percent), Black (13.1 percent), American Indian (1.2 percent), Asian-American (5.0 percent), Native Hawaiian and other Pacific Islander (0.2 percent), Two or more races (2.3 percent), Hispanic or Latino Origin (16.7 percent).
In diverse cultures people approach potentially sensitive topics indirectly.