In his Autobiography, Benjamin Franklin describes the Junto, a club he formed in Philadelphia that met on Friday evenings. Its debates were to be “conducted in the sincere spirit of inquiry after truth, without fondness for dispute, or desire of victory.”
The club banned “all expressions of positiveness in opinions, or direct contradiction.”
At Bridgewater Associates, the investment firm founded by Ray Dalio, people must say what they honestly think. “As an employee speaks, no matter their job level, everyone else in the meeting grades their performance.” “Those conversations are videotaped and scrutinized to keep a record that everyone can see.”
In 2019 the CBS program 60 Minutes reported that Dalio acknowledges that not every new hire fits in. “He estimates around 30 percent of new hires leave Bridgewater within the first 18 months.”
CBS called the practice “something unheard of in the world of office politics.”
I hear you, and… — I have understood your point. The word and takes the place of but.
I see where you’re coming from. — Your view makes sense to me. My own view follows.
Help me understand… — A polite way to question a decision or an argument.
That’s a great point. I wonder if… — Praise first, then a different idea.
Have we considered…? — An objection offered as a question.
With all due respect… — The listener knows that a strong disagreement follows.
In 2020 Michael Yeomans, Julia Minson and colleagues from Harvard and the University of British Columbia published a study of what they called conversational receptiveness. They found that “conversational receptiveness at the beginning of a conversation forestalls conflict escalation at the end.” Wikipedia editors who wrote receptive posts were “less prone to receiving personal attacks from disagreeing editors.”
Receptive language includes “I understand” and “I see your point.” People who followed this recipe “are seen as more desirable partners for future collaboration.”
At Pixar, a criticism should come with an improvement. Pixar calls this plussing. “Broadly, plussing requires that any comment or criticism must contain a positive suggestion, or a plus.”
Instead of saying “I don’t like that idea,” a colleague says: “Yes. That looks good and what if we did this.” The writer Peter Sims said of Pixar’s teams: “They don’t use judgmental language when they’re in these team meetings, even if the ideas are really crummy.” The term goes back to Walt Disney, who used it for making a good idea better.
“‘My good friend’ is routinely used on the House and Senate floors when one colleague addresses another.” In October 2013, Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell rebuked the Democratic majority leader, Harry Reid. He began: “With all due respect to my good friend, the majority leader.”
Senators also address each other in the third person, through the chair, for example as “the distinguished Senator.” Representative Gene Green of Texas joked about the phrase: “The joke we had was, when someone calls you their good friend, look behind you.”
Rule XIX of the US Senate says: “No Senator in debate shall, directly or indirectly, by any form of words impute to another Senator or to other Senators any conduct or motive unworthy or unbecoming a Senator.” In effect, a senator may attack another senator’s position but not another senator’s motives. The wording was adopted in 1902, after two senators fought on the Senate floor.
On February 7, 2017, Senator Elizabeth Warren read from a 1986 letter by Coretta Scott King opposing Jeff Sessions’s nomination as a federal judge. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said she had “impugned the motives and conduct of our colleague from Alabama.” The Senate voted 49 to 43, along party lines, to uphold the ruling against her. McConnell said: “She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted.”
“The usual phrase used by U.S. Supreme Court dissenters is ‘I respectfully dissent.'” A justice who disagrees with the majority, often in sharp terms, usually ends the opinion with this courtesy.
In Bush v. Gore, decided on December 12, 2000, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg ended her dissent with two words: “I dissent.” The missing word “set tongues wagging.” In 2023 the ABA Journal reported that dropping it is now “becoming more common.”
“The ‘Judicial handshake’ has been a tradition since the days of Chief Justice Melville W. Fuller in the late 19th century.” When the justices of the Supreme Court gather to go on the bench each day, and at the start of the private conferences where they discuss their decisions, “each Justice shakes hands with each of the other eight.”
“Chief Justice Fuller instituted the practice as a reminder that differences of opinion on the Court did not preclude overall harmony of purpose.”
Can I push back on that? This is a polite request to disagree. It is often heard in meetings.
Let me play devil’s advocate. The speaker argues the other side on purpose to test an idea.
I respectfully disagree. The disagreement is open, and the tone stays polite.
Let’s agree to disagree. Both sides end the argument, and neither side gives in.
Challenge the assumptions. This is a common instruction in planning and strategy sessions.
Don’t be a yes-man. This is a warning against agreeing with the boss by reflex.