We aim for perfection without a correct idea of what perfection might demand from us. To strengthen our resolve, we need to improve our picture of what sacrifices any achievement will demand.
psychology
Is perfectionism an illness?
In a competitive culture that values work ethic and merit, is perfectionism a benign trait that helps us succeed, or is it a pernicious illness we need to take more seriously?
Dr. Tom Curran from LSE’s Department of Psychological and Behavioural Science researches perfectionism, its damaging effects, and why society is making it more prevalent.
Perfectionism holds us back
If you can’t do it perfectly, why do it at all? Recovering perfectionist Charly Haversat challenges our obsession with perfection in our personal lives, workplaces and beyond.
Can we fight the crippling fear of failure and the unwillingness to compromise that it creates?
How perfectionism makes us ill
Perfectionists are generally held in high-esteem: praised for their self-discipline and refusal to compromise. Yet in truth, the trait is a manifestation of self-hatred – and must be overcome if we are ever to feel truly fulfilled.
YouTube comments:
“Perfectionism also steals your joy, I speak from experience. You literally don’t allow yourself to celebrate your skills, accomplishments, talents because you are striving for perfectionism which is impossible so you are always looking for something to criticize.
You never feel anything enough. I used to have resentment for the fact other people were content with their mediocrity, meanwhile those of us who are at higher levels of skill/talent were beating ourselves up for that 1 tiny mistake or thing that could’ve been better.
I would literally carry these little flaws in my heart which made me sad and disappointed and not think of all the good and my progress. It’s messed up. I only realized in 2019 that in order to grow with joy, you have to accept and even celebrate your mistakes as in learn and laugh them off and keep it moving. Life is so much easier and joyful now that I’ve let go of perfectionism!! It really is toxic and it was probably taught to us by our parents.”
Reasons for Small Talk
If you type into Google „reasons for small talk“ or „why small talk“ or „purpose of small talk“, it will respond with numerous links to people – experts and amateurs – who typically state anywhere between five and ten reasons.
Small talk: Signals the mood of the other person; finds topics of common ground; fills in a communication vacuum; establishes trust; is a possible introduction to big talk topics; identifies issues which might be too sensitive to address; can communicate interest, care, even affection; allows one to overcome their own shyness.
But what about introverts, those who prefer to discuss topics of substance?
Why we find it hard to say no
To learn to say no, we have to first understand what’s resisting us about it. Below are common reasons why people find it hard to say no:
You want to help. You don’t want to turn the person away and you want to help where possible, even if it may eat into your time.
Afraid of being rude. I was brought up under the notion that saying “No”, especially to people who are more senior, is rude.
Wanting to be agreeable. You don’t want to alienate yourself from the group because you’re not in agreement.
Fear of conflict. You are afraid the person might be angry if you reject him/her.
Fear of lost opportunities. Perhaps you are worried saying no means closing doors. didn’t want to say no as she felt it would affect her promotion opportunities in the future.
Not burning bridges. Some people take “no” as a sign of rejection. It might lead to bridges being burned and relationships severed.
From Celestine Chua of The Personal Excellence Blog.
When to say No
“When to say No”, from the Mayo Clinic website on stress management:
Focus on what matters most. Examine your obligations and priorities before making any new commitments.
Weigh the yes-to-stress ratio. Is the new activity you’re considering a short- or long-term commitment?
Take guilt out of the equation. Don’t agree to a request you would rather decline out of guilt or obligation.
Sleep on it. Before you respond, take a day to think about the request and how it fits in with your current commitments.
How to say no.
Say no. The word no has power. Don’t be afraid to use it. Be careful about using substitutes phrases, such as “I’m not sure” or “I don’t think I can.”
Be brief. State your reason for refusing the request, but don’t go on about it. Avoid elaborate justifications or explanations.
Be honest. Don’t fabricate reasons to get out of an obligation. The truth is always the best way to turn down a friend, family member or co-worker.
Be respectful. Many good causes land at your door, and it can be tough to turn them down. Complimenting the group’s effort while saying that you can’t commit shows that you respect what they’re trying to accomplish.
Be ready to repeat. You may need to refuse a request several times before the other person accepts your response. Calmly repeat your no, with or without your original rationale, as needed.
Embrace Conflict
In 2012, American business magazine Forbes published an article that lists several keys to dealing with workplace conflict. In the article, the author suggests that every business leader should adhere to the principle “don’t fear conflict; embrace it – it’s your job.”
The article also recommends that every conflict should be resolved quickly, and, if possible, business leaders should identify people who are likely to get into conflicts and stage pre-conflict interventions with everyone who seems likely to become involved.
Another article from About Money lists actions to avoid when resolving workplace conflicts. The top two points on the list advise leaders not to avoid conflict and not to meet separately with the people in conflict. Most articles from American business journals include similar advice.
Reconstructing Memories
“The uncritical acceptance of eyewitness accounts may stem from a popular misconception of how memory works. Many people believe that human memory works like a video recorder: the mind records events and then, on cue, plays back an exact replica of them.
On the contrary, psychologists have found that memories are reconstructed rather than played back each time we recall them. The act of remembering, says eminent memory researcher and psychologist Elizabeth F. Loftus of the University of California, Irvine, is “more akin to putting puzzle pieces together than retrieving a video recording.”
Even questioning by a lawyer can alter the witness’s testimony because fragments of the memory may unknowingly be combined with information provided by the questioner, leading to inaccurate recall.”
From: “Why Science Tells Us Not to Rely on Eyewitness Accounts”, Hal Arkowitz and Scott Lilienfeld. Scientific American magazine, January 8, 2009.
Atlas of Emotions
In the U.S. the field of psychology has grown in popularity. In the 2006-2007 school year, social science was tied with history as having the second largest number of awarded Bachelor’s degrees.
In fact, there are so many people majoring in psychology in the U.S. that psychology majors have the highest unemployment rates of all recent college graduates, with 19.5% of clinical psychology majors and more than 10% of educational and industrial/organizational psychology majors unable to find work.
A lot of this popularity is due to the work of people like Paul Ekman, an American psychologist, who has created an Atlas of Emotions, which identifies over ten thousand different facial expressions. He has also written fifteen books about body language including Telling Lies and Emotions Revealed.
Due to his high (albeit imperfect) success-rate with using small details in a person’s facial expressions to induce larger truths about that person, Ekman has served as an advisor to several police departments and anti-terrorism groups, including the Transportation Security Administration (TSA). Thanks to his work, Ekman has gained a reputation as the best human lie detector in the world.
Additionally, Ekman’s work was recently used as the basis for the television crime drama Lie to Me, a show in which several psychologists and facial expression experts use their knowledge of body language to assist in investigations. This show ran from 2009 to 2011, and won two People’s Choice Awards in 2011.