Relationship First Archives - understand-culture

Sayings on Keeping the Peace

抬头不见低头见 If we do not meet when we look up, we meet when we look down. Said of people who see each other all the time.

冤家宜解不宜结 An enmity should be untied, not tied tighter.

不打不相识 No fight, no friendship. In chapter 38 of the Water Margin, Dai Zong tells two men: “Now you two can be close brothers. As the saying goes, without a fight there is no friendship (不打不成相识).”

和气生财 Friendliness brings wealth. A merchants’ saying: those who are pleasant and give no offense to customers will prosper.

化干戈为玉帛 Turn shields and spears into jade and silk. To turn war or a quarrel into peace and friendship.

In chapter 5 of Dream of the Red Chamber, Baoyu is taken to rest in a fine room. On the wall hangs a couplet: 世事洞明皆学问，人情练达即文章. “To see clearly into the affairs of the world is true learning. To be skilled in human feelings is true writing.”

Baoyu reads the two lines and refuses to stay, however fine the room. “Out! Out!”

Seven Times Captured, Seven Times Released

When Zhuge Liang set out to subdue the south, Ma Su advised him: “In war, attacking the heart is best, attacking cities is worst. Fighting with hearts is best, fighting with soldiers is worst.” The south, he warned, would rebel again as soon as the army left.

Zhuge Liang captured the local leader Meng Huo, showed him his camp and let him fight again. “Seven times released, seven times captured,” and still Zhuge Liang let him go. Meng Huo would not leave. “You have the might of heaven. The people of the south will not rebel again.” Zhuge Liang left the local chiefs in charge. As long as he lived, the south did not rebel.

Wang Zhaojun Goes North

In 33 BCE, the Xiongnu ruler Huhanye asked the Han court for a marriage alliance. The palace lady Wang Zhaojun volunteered to go north and marry him. Emperor Yuan changed his reign title to Jingning. Peace between the Han and the Xiongnu lasted nearly half a century.

Guan Zhong and Bao Shuya

Guan Zhong said of his friend Bao Shuya: “When I was poor, I traded with Bao Shuya and took the larger share of the profit. He did not think me greedy. He knew I was poor.” Guan Zhong failed in a plan for him, served three times and was dismissed three times, and fled from three battles. Each time Bao Shuya found a reason that was not a fault.

When Guan Zhong’s master lost the struggle for the throne of Qi, Guan Zhong was taken prisoner. Bao Shuya recommended him to the new ruler, Duke Huan, who put him in charge of the government. “My parents gave me life,” said Guan Zhong. “Bao Shuya is the one who knows me.”

Ping-Pong Diplomacy

In April 1971, at the world table tennis championships in Nagoya, China invited the US team to visit. From April 10 to 17, nine American players and four officials were in China. They were the first American athletes admitted to the People’s Republic since 1949. Mao Zedong explained the move: “For 22 years we could never come to terms… so we played ping-pong.”

The episode is known in Chinese as 小球转大球, the small ball turns the big ball.

Struggle Without Breaking

Chinese writing on relations with the United States uses the phrase 斗而不破, struggle without breaking. In 2018 the scholar Zhang Yunling wrote: “Between China and the US, struggle when there must be struggle, and talk when there must be talk. Struggle without breaking is still the bottom line.”

He explained the two words. “To struggle is to compete. To break is to go to war.”

Thirty Days to Think

Since January 1, 2021, a Chinese couple who apply to register a divorce by agreement must wait. Article 1077 of the Civil Code gives each spouse thirty days from the application to withdraw it. Within thirty days after that, both must appear in person to collect the divorce certificate. If they do not, the application counts as withdrawn.

One Smile Ends the Feud

In June 1933, Lu Xun wrote a poem about the Three Righteous Pagoda. Japanese farmers had built it over the bones of a pigeon left behind in the ruined Sanyili quarter of Zhabei, Shanghai. The poem ends: 度尽劫波兄弟在，相逢一笑泯恩仇. “Through all the calamities, brothers remain. When we meet, one smile ends the old enmity.”