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Friend. Freund.

What is a friend?

MerriamWebster online writes: a person who you like and enjoy being with; a person who helps or supports someone or something; one attached to another by affection or esteem; a favored companion.

Middle English frend, from Old English frēond; akin to Old High German friunt friend, Old English frēon to love, frēo free. First Known Use: before 12th century. Among its synonyms are alter ego, amgo, buddy, chum, compadre. comrade, confidant, crony, familiar, intimate, pal.

What is a Freund?

dwds(dot)de writes: Vertrauter, someone you can trust; jemandem innerlich verbundener Mensch, a person who is especially close to another. Old High German (8th Century) vriunt, friend, next closest, mate, relative.

This is not the place to address how Americans and Germans diverge in the understanding of friend, friendship, what it means to be a friend. But here is a thought:

Is it not the true friend who has your best interests in mind, and therefore is willing to risk the loss of your friendship in order to convey a message which is painfully important for you to hear?

Formulated differently: What true friend, who sees that you are on the wrong path, would not speak to you about it?

“Klappe halten“

Germans believe that if a person does not have anything valuable to offer in a given discussion then it is better that they say nothing at all – die Klappe halten.

Klappe is a cover, lid, flap. Halten is to hold or keep shut. Germans do not consider it to be impolite if in a discussion one or more people say little or nothing. Seldom do they ask, prompt or summon those who are silent to participate.

To talk about the weather in the German context means to talk about nothing of importance, to have a meaningless conversation, to be superficial. It is a signal to both parties that they have nothing to say to each other. It‘s embarrassing for both.

Avoid Envy

German managers are careful not praise too often for fear that some team members could feel disadvantaged. Praise of a team member can quickly lead to envy, which in turn threatens team cohesion. A bonus awarded for good performance often leads to other team members claiming unfairness.

Furthermore, Germans do not feel comfortable working in an atmosphere of peer competition. German top performers would rather do without the praise and the bonus in order to safeguard a cooperative working relationship with their colleagues.

Envy: irritation, anger in response to the success of others; to crave for, to want what the other has in terms of material wealth, status, good health, attractive physical appearance.

Germans also believe that success of a team is often difficult to attribute to the performance of certain members. Praise in front of the team or any kind of reward can lead to an embittered discussion about how performance is defined and measured. Germans believe that it is too easy to mistakenly praise one colleague for work results produced by another. A feeling of unfairness, of injustice can arise quickly.

Manager as Neutral Party

German team leads have an impersonal, business-like relationship with their team members. They maintain emotional distance from the team in order to guaranty neutrality and fairness. Especially when providing feedback on performance do they focus on results and not on the person.

This sachlich – impersonal, neutral, business-like – approach can be observed in the personal interaction between manager and team. When providing feedback German team leads are reserved, unemotional, their body language limited to a handshake. Neutrality is the key.

Whether discussing past performance or formulating new goals, the Germans focus on the facts, ideally on what is measurable. A discussion about development addresses professional skills and less so personal development. Critique is communicated in a respectful and serious way. Humour is considered disrespectful and unprofessional.

If the feedback discussion includes criticism, German managers strive to be particularly neutral, unemotional, fact-oriented. This reduces the potential for an escalation of emotions. The two parties should focus on performance. The discussion is impersonal and objective.

Humility

Bescheidenheit or humility is the character trait of a person who is unassuming, not demanding, seeks little for themself, who allows others to go ahead. From Latin prudentia, sapientia, scientia, discretio.

Bescheidenheit ist der Anfang aller Vernunft. Humility is the beginning of all reason. (Ludwig Anzengruber) Die wahre Ruhe der Gemüter ist Tugend und Genügsamkeit. True peace of mind is based on virtue and humility. (Christian Fürchtegott Gellert)

Abgehoben sein: to view oneself as above others; to lose grounding, to lose a sense of measure, proportion; unable to read situations realistically. Sarkasmus, sarcasm: biting, hurtful, condescending ridicule; to make fun of another person in a cutting way; to be mean, ugly.

Praise and Motivation

Germans believe that too much praise can lead employees to „rest on their laurels“, to not continue to work at a high level of intensity. In order to avoid that effect, Germans praise good work in moderate terms. This signals that there is more upside potential. It aims to motivate.

Germans seldom score work results as near perfect or perfect. „Close to perfect“ is the best one can expect. German business psychologists see a weakness in this approach, though. They believe that more praise would increase employee motivation and thus productivity.

Sich auf seinen Lorbeeren ausruhen. To rest on one‘s laurels. To relax after having produced good work results; after success to not strive for more. During the Middle Ages laurels were a sign of fame. The winner of a jousting tournament or a battle had a laurel wreath placed on their head.

Deflation. When the price for products and services decreases; when money loses its value. German economic and monetary policy aims to maintain the value of goods and services, but most importantly to prevent inflation. When it comes to praise, Germans take a conservative, restrictive, deflationary approach.

Deflationary. In feedback discussions the Germans consciously use deflationary terms. Honesty and transparency are seen as guarantees for effective, clear communication. „Say what you mean and mean what you say“ is the German logic. People should speak their minds freely and without inflationary euphemisms.

Den Tag nicht vor dem Abend loben translates into „Don‘t praise the day until the night has arrived“; don‘t count your accomplishments before the day is over; don‘t be confident of something until it has actually happened.

“Coach me“

Americans expect to be coached by their team lead. If the team lead has accurately identified weaknesses in a team member, and has communicated them clearly, fairly and diplomatically in a feedback talk, then it is expected that the team lead then coach her „player.“

Just as a basketball coach will take extra time with a player after practice to work on dribbling or shooting skills, so too a good manager in the American business context will take the time to explain to the employee how to perform certain tasks better: give presentations, write reports, perform calculations, attach the part to the machine, handle customer issues, work with external suppliers, and manager their own team. The list is endless.

If the team lead, however, is not in a position to coach her player directly – due to time constraints or perhaps she is not a master of the skill herself – then she should, at a minimum, know where to send that team member in order to be coached, taught, instructed, advised.

Coach. Player. Americans want to be coached. American sports coaches are deeply involved in how their players play.

Constructive Criticism

Critique: A detailed analysis and assessment of something, especially a literary, philosophical, or political theory. Derived from mid 17th century from French, based on Greek kritikē tekhnē ‘critical art”.

Constructive criticism is legitimate criticism – fair, objective, well grounded. It is constructive when its purpose, tone and spirit aim to help the other person recognize, understand and then correct their weaknesses. Constructive criticism is helpful.

Employee evaluation helps management to measure performance while maintaining motivation and reducing employee turnover. It has three components: praise work well done; address areas of improvement; recommend improvement measures. Employee evaluations also serve as documentation of future goals to be reviewed at a later date.

There are 58,885 books on self-improvement on Amazon.com. The most popular areas for self-improvement are money management, healthy living, attitude, speaking skills, time management, and interpersonal relations.

Popular titles include “The Power of Self-Coaching: The Five Essential Steps to Creating the Life You Want” by Joseph J. Luciani, “The Secret Art of Self-Development: 16 Little-Known Rules for Eternal Happiness & Freedom” by Karl Moore, “50 Self-Help Classics: 50 Inspirational Books to Transform Your Life from Timeless Sages to Contemporary Gurus” by Tom Butler-Bowdon, and “I Had It All The Time: When Self-Improvement Gives Way to Ecstasy” by Alan Cohen.

Steve Jobs – Merciless Criticism

An article on Jony Ive, the head of design at Apple Computer, in the New Yorker Magazine from February 23, 2105 touches on how the late Steve Jobs gave constructive feedback:

“Jobs’s taste for merciless criticism was notorious. Ive recalled that, years ago, after seeing colleagues crushed, he protested. Jobs replied, ‘Why would you be vague?,’ arguing that ambiguity was a form of selfishness: ‘You don’t care about how they feel! You’re being vain, you want them to like you.’

Ive was furious, but came to agree. ‘It’s really demeaning to think that, in this deep desire to be liked, you’ve compromised giving clear, unambiguous feedback,’ he said. He lamented that there were ‘so many anecdotes’ about Jobs’s acerbity: ‘His intention, and motivation, wasn’t to be hurtful.'”

Steve Jobs. More German than American logic.

„Not criticized is praise enough“

There is a logic to why Germans rarely give praise. They believe that being one‘s own most severe critic is the prerequisite for working independently, for self-management. Praise is given and expected sparingly. The following expression reveals the German logic: Nicht geschimpft, ist genug gelobt or Not criticized is praise enough.

Germans learn at an early age to expect more critique than praise, from parents, teachers, sports coaches. Young Germans are trained to be self-critical, to be wary of undeserved praise. Experts in education and child-rearing warn of the dangers of too much praise. It can quickly lead to oversized egos, to overrating one‘s abilities, to losing touch with reality.

If praise is given, then it should come from an external, neutral, critical source. German children learn from an early age on not to put their achievements on display, not to brag, but instead to be reserved and modest. Every German child has heard at least once that Eigenlob stinkt, that self-praise stinks.