On December 2, 1803, Thomas Jefferson hosted the newly arrived British minister, Anthony Merry, and his wife, Elizabeth, at dinner. Jefferson did not escort Mrs. Merry to the table. He “instead escorted Dolley Madison, whom he seated at his side.” Merry had to find his own place at the table. He felt insulted.
The custom was called “pell-mell,” a “disorderly mingling of guests without any attention to rank or title.” Jefferson wrote it down as a rule: “When brought together in society all are perfectly equal, whether foreign or domestic, titled or untitled, in or out of office.” At public ceremonies, the families of foreign ministers were to take their places “as they arrive, & without any precedence.”